I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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