my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
