I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Everclear isn't food dammit
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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