Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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