Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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