Just cropdusted the office
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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