69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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