when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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