I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
