I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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