forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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