I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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