so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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