you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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