Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
