just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
foreskin is a definite game changer
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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