9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
