Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
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She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
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I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.