Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night