I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.