I wish I could teleport
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.