My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
