I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
