remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
