so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
