I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
