Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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