and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize