Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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