I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The ass gains better be worth it
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
