I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
