I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
