i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my shit smells like andre
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
