just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
