A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize