Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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