So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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