drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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