and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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