I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
