I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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