I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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