so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
