how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
