I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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