They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
