don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
