I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
