FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
