Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
