Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
