i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My ass is underappreciated
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
