I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Last time i carry you out of a forest
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
