I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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