I'm going to jail i love you
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
