Where did you get a picture of my penis
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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