if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
