Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
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Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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