first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
